sooo I watched it within three days as soon as it got released on Netflix and I didn’t think it would really affect me like it has. (But don’t worry, I’m okay, just feeling the feels.)
Tacking a trigger warning on this in case because I want to vent somewhere since I can’t say any of this out loud without getting too emotional. The entire show had me taking a trip down memory lane and I seriously got pissed that Hannah left everyone tapes saying they were all what led her to kill herself. Of course there was more to it than that but I DO NOT AGREE that anyone else should be responsible if you choose to take your life. I mean, if someone tells you to kill yourself then they SHOULD be held responsible, but if they just didn’t know you were in danger or if they didn’t catch on, then how can it be their fault?? The entire show I kept thinking to myself how selfish she sounded as she voiced over the tapes. Like, yeah just kill yourself and rub it in everyone’s face?? It just really grated on me. Even though I could definitely relate to her reasons that led her to end her life. It’s just that I felt she did it to make a statement to everyone, so that they would finally know that she was not okay. And she WASN’T okay.
And that’s when I see myself being a hypocrite since I attempted suicide so many times–but I was better right because I didn’t try to rub it in anyone’s face, I just wanted to disappear *rolls eyes* yeah right..
I literally am wondering why they decided to make that book into a show. It was extremely triggering, with the self-harm, suicide, sexual assault, bullying, trauma…
Like I thought I could be fine with all that, because it seems like nothing really triggers me. But that did it.
There’s so much bitterness looking into the past, so much self-blame. The other Sunday at church I got so worked up over it being Youth Day, where all the kids were going up front to share how praying to God helped them get through their struggles of losing a friend in elementary school, helped them feel a better connection to God on a busy schedule in high school, helped them get through a test. I know I sound like a bitch but I was sitting in the back thinking: yeah, and where was God when I tried to kill myself at 15 fucking years old? I was still a kid and I actually was ready to die when I attempted to slit my wrists and when I downed a bottle of aspirin. And when my dad drove me to the emergency room when he found out, he told me, “But we love you, but God loves you, why…?” And I almost laughed, thinking to myself “WHAT god?”
It’s really easy to get into self-pitying mode and getting angry over the injustice of your experiences. But right now I don’t care because I just need to write.
Ever since my first attempt I’ve always wondered to myself, fantasizing about what it would have been like if I’d really died. How I wouldn’t have had to endure 7 more years of pure shit, how my family would be better off without my chronic problems, how I’m literally a bad person and deserve all the pain and the death.
And with this show, these thoughts really came out loud and clear:
Yeah, high school really CAN lead teens to kill themselves. Parents wonder why, well it’s not that mind-boggling: imagine being completely invisible to everyone in the hallways, in the classrooms. Imagine no one caring or noticing if you show up. Imagine skipping class one day to lock yourself in a bathroom stall and slicing up your arms into bloody pulps while hearing girls giggle to themselves in the bathroom saying, “She’s still in here, what is she doing?” after sobbing about still being alive for over an hour, before going to second period once you’ve cleaned yourself up and put back on a blank mask.
And imagine trying to reach out in the only way you know how, through creative writing in class, poems about self-harm and suicide, no one batting an eye, all the while staring at a sign on the wall saying “What do you do if no one’s watching?” and smirking to yourself and saying: absolutely fucking nothing. Because you don’t exist in a school of hundreds and hundreds of people who’ve done nothing but harass you and ignore you when they get tired of you.
And then imagine going home after that little bathroom episode and your family not finding out until a week later when they make you take off your jacket, and your sister yelling at you saying she’s getting sick of your shit, and continuing to shut off your outside emotions and showing no reaction. And it only makes sense that you get so tired of your own shit you just don’t want to exist anymore.
And then imagine all this going on throughout high school and continuing after graduation. It feels like it never ends. But you still have to keep going because logically you can’t let your loved ones down after all the years of struggling.
So this show didn’t bring out the best in me. However I don’t mean to be downing it so much, because it does raise awareness to teen suicide and bullying. It’s just the triggering content and the method of telling the story (through a dead girl’s voice recordings in order to tell 13 people that they all factored into her suicide) that I wasn’t okay with.
And secondly, why people keep making shows and movies about depression, self-harm, suicide, and eating disorders for entertainment irks me. I feel like they romanticize mental illness for so many people. And trigger those who are already struggling.
So yeah I don’t know. Just some word vomit to help my raging head.